A very Large lockdown

Where the heck do I start?

For starters how are you all doing? I say this because if your new normal is a fraction of the craziness I have here then you most definitely have my sympathies.

I had fully intended to created a new blog series resembling something like the Captains log from Star Trek but soon realised we were one Eejit short of a Klingon. Amazon have also failed to deliver my special Motorola resembling communicator thingymabob.

As the title of my Blog states, this is about our move to Sicily. We’re still there. Never once when making our decision did we think we would be smack bang in the middle of a pandemic that forces the entire world to go into lockdown.

Anyone that know’s me will understand that not being able to travel or book any holidays is a problem. I would normally have at least 2 booked up by now. Don’t get me wrong there’s one sorted but I don’t want you to miss the point or underestimate the severity of the situation.

Life in lockdown is good. Honestly it’s really good. I’m really not rocking in a corner with a pencil up my nose mumbling wibble.

We’re 5 toilet roles away from a national disaster (oops, hold on a minute) and we’re eyeing up which dog would make the better bum wipe. Arch my Staffy is the favourite as Baxter sheds hair at a ridiculous rate and his hair gets in enough places as it is, without having to drag it strand from strand from my arse crack.

I haven’t managed to kill anyone with my cooking yet. It’s got close a few times but we decided it best to throw away the yeast free lumps of roughage that should have been Hot Cross Buns.

All the males in the household have had their heads shaved. Benji enjoyed mocking his little brother and in his words “Harry has a reverse mullet” I think I’d got to carried away watching Joe Exotic and all that deliciousness. You should see the Tats I’ve given them.

The Boys are homeschooled normally, so that craziness is not something we’ve had to endure. They are feeling the injustice as they believe the rest of the world is having a school holiday. Not helped by the fact I made them work through the actual Easter holidays this year. (We have some catching up to make before the end of the year) My Bad!

We tried to do that nutter Joe’s PE work out (Wicks not Exotic) but, come on, give me a break. I am not participating in a butt aching workout for anyone. Especially someone with that voice. Dont tell me it doesn’t get on your nerves! That being said, Tom H, give me a call if you start up. 😉

The Husband is working from home 4 out of the 5 days. Thus meaning to my mind he’s only 1/5 essential. It’s funny, before this we always thought it would be nice to be together more. Even work together. As it is we’ll be ending this lockdown in separate bedrooms with one of us having a new friend that lets them lie on a couch whilst they write in a special notebook.

I do feel sorry for him. Since lock down began, he’s forgotten that it was Mothers day and also our 7th Wedding anniversary. There is not a cat in hells chance I would want to be locked in a small apartment with a woman who is fine despite burning the walls with flames coming from their mouth. Luckily though he rectified the situation – I refer you back to the one and only holiday I mentioned above.

I’m slowly cutting down my Alcohol intake. I say slowly, by the end of this pandemic I should be down to only one bottle a day. (NB: I’m not really drinking anywhere near this amount so, please don’t send me any leaflets anonymously through the post)

Friends are still fabulous. I never realised what a hugger I am until I started meeting a few grocery shopping recently and realised that they had put up a barb wire fence to stop me getting to them.

As I draw this to a close, with the hope that I’ve left some hilarity in my head for another attempt, I would like to seriously thank anyone out there still having to work during this time. Not only careworkers, but those we don’t always think of in supermarkets, delivery drivers (Especially my amazon man) and any others we’re not clapping for.

Stay home people, this isn’t a drill. If Dave can risk life and lim staying locked in with me, then so can you anyone.

Love to you all.

Ciao!