Our life in Sicily – The updated update.

As our time in Sicily draws to a close, I thought it only right that I start to document this journey. I have a feeling it’s going to be one filled with lots of emotion. I’ll try to make it a funny one. Lets face it life in the Large household is never going to be dull.

In a little over three months, we’ll be back. Well, I say back, in 3 months we’ll actually be vacationing in Florida to help us deal with the grief of missing our new friends. It’s taking Mickey Mouse to get over you guys I hope you realise. (Should any of the aforementioned guys read this).

Firstly, an update on life. The boys are in school finally and I think they’re enjoying not having a clue what anyone around them is saying. Heck, I have to do it each day living with Dave “I’m a roight geeza now gimme ‘alf a rowst chicken” Large. They have a huge amount of homework that we have to translate and an appetite like a horse.

We had a slight incident recently which most of you have read about on Facebook. To cut a long story short and remind you all, Harry tripped over some fluff and headbutt the kerb at some force followed by small amounts of “claret” (Apparently this is blood if you’re from London and not a wine as I first thought) being deposited on the kerb and stairs. Much fuss later I have a new found love for crazy Sicilian ladies that suffer the trauma of calling themselves teachers to dozens of 6 year olds and their Aloe plants. That’s the teachers Aloe plants to clarify. There aren’t dozens of 6 year olds running around with Aloe plants tucked in their back packs.

Dave continues to work at the BBQ and Ice cream Factory and each day comes home with a headache and an ache is his back. Probably from having to carry around his ever-increasing pasta filled waistline. I still think Quadzilla looks mighty fine but he has some honest Italian working with him that assures him he’s getting fat. As a side note, I’m never going to work here, that kind of honesty is something us fat lasses with nice smiles can do without.

Me, I continue on my journey of self discovery also known as catching up on Dr. Phil, and any other crap TV I’m not allowed to watch in the company of any one else. I do housework but it’s usually a last-minute thing I have to do when Dave is coming home along with brushing my teeth and showering. Dave should you read this, I promise I do these first really!!!

This will be a good test to see if he does actually read this.

A bit about Sicily, It’s beautiful. Although we’ve not done as much as we would like we have explored a bit. From Sledging on a Snow covered active volcano, to visiting the Valley of the Temples. Played on the beach for 1/2 hour (this is as long as interest in sitting on a beach lasts) and walked around a couple of old Sicilian towns. Mainly the one we live in with its cobbled streets.

We’ve discovered lovely wine at 4EUR a bottle and decided we need to tighten the purse strings with this extravagance.

Baxter decided that he’d still like to live with us so hangs around on a daily basis. He enjoys the company of male dogs that like to hitch a ride on his head. Don’t ask as we certainly haven’t. All I know is each to their own. He seems happy.

I think that’s about it for now. I’ll try to blog a bit more as the count down to D-day looms ever closer. We’re not looking forward to it for a number of reasons. One being stuck in a Mini Cooper for 4 days with a crazy fat black dog that likes to bring his breakfast back the minute he gets in the boot. 2 Crazy children who despise being in each others company for anything more than 5 minutes.

Ciao for now my lovely peeps.

 

 

A happy sad day in Sicily.

As days go today is a good day. So why the blooming heck do I seem to be leaking from most holes on my face and my voice all weird? Well our little Sicilian Stray Baxter got adopted by his Furever family. See it’s a good day.

Even Harry is breaking his tradition and comforting me. I’ve even been told I can play Mine craft if I want. The boy can be so generous. He gets it from his Dad.

It’s that bad and yet completely irrational. The family he’s gone to seem absolutely adorable and I know he’s gone to good home. So why can’t I turn off the snot flow?

Harry is now reminiscing over all the other times I’ve blubbed. It would appear I do it a lot. In fact that question has just been put to me as to why I cry so much?

Being a woman/mum/wife is truly a gift. I mean come on, I can deal with pain at quite a high level (partial Achilles tendon tear that I tried to exercise through being a prime example) so why on earth at that delicate time of the month do I cry at the slightest thing? I even cried at the Heathrow Airport Christmas ad earlier.

To work our way through the grief I’ve offered to take the boys shopping for a Christmas tree and decorations. Make the place all festive. (1 month early, that will get Daddy well annoyed)

Anyway moving on, we’re still in Sicily or at least we are for the next couple of weeks. Life is ok (honestly it is, just ignore the snot on the screen)

Dave stayed on the Windsurf board at the weekend which is an achievement. I think the threat of numerous jellyfish in the water should have been given much earlier. Think of the saving.

The weather has turned cold. We are now in thick jumpers and coats. I’m pretty sure though if any Brits want to come visit you will think we’re crazy. 15° in November is NOT cold…. It flipping is you know!

We’ve taken the boys to dinner with all Dave’s work colleagues and achieved a record 5 minutes before they needed an electrical device. Benjamin tucked into his Italian Fries which made us very proud parents indeed whilst Harry even waved at someone. Dave and I ate everything despite it being “not in the plan” Bleeping plan my arse..

As an explanation, the plan referred to being the one by the Body Coach. The same exercise and eating plan that broke my tendon in the first place. I’ll give you bloody plan. And spinach and Feta. Sorry I seemed to switch hormones there. (God bless Mother Nature)

We’ve all had hair cuts. Dave’s went well as did Benjamin’s. Harry’s on the other hand not so much. She seems to have cut more skin off his neck than hair from his head. I really must practice my Italian because I’m sure I asked for her to shave his head. Still he survived his experience with Sweeny Todd but next time we’ll be a bit more selective over which Barber he goes to. I had my hair cut 2 inches. That went well. Although her waving her hand over the top of my head saying “We’ll deal with this next time”, referring to my ever increasing amount of grey hair, put a dampner on things. Then when I tried to book a colour the flipping woman had no clue what I was talking about. Clearly she has practised the wrong Eeengleesh.

So that’s about it for now. I’m sure Dave will want to have a rant about my recent hormonal imbalance along with the Christmas decorations. Oh crickey and he’s bound to tell you how much I made him spend at the Black Friday, Saturday and Sunday sales. Eeek, he’s got more than enough ammunition to not be complaining about writers block this week.

Ciao for now my peeps.

😀😂😍😢🤤😡😨☠

Finally retiring to Sicily.

Yes, I’m going to retire to Sicily after a big payout

After countless PPI calls, filling in forms, more phone calls, returning emails, I finally received my PPI offer this morning.  They say not to accept the first offer, but this is too good to turn down.  Even better the PPI Claim company have even offered to drop their Fee. To stop any family feuds I’ve decided to split the money six ways to make it fair, so that works out at 22p each but as £1.34 cannot be equally split 6 ways I’ve donated the extra 2 pence to charity.  I’m hoping the exchange rate is favorable, so I can buy a couple of packets of Space Invaders.

Lee is embracing the Sicilian way of driving, the other day whilst driving on the dual carriageway I look up from my phone to see the oncoming traffic rapidly filling up the windscreen.  Turns out that what Lee thought was a dual carriageway was in fact not.  Still nothing a new pair of pants can’t fix. And as I’m writing this all things clearly worked out well.

Luckily with our new-found fortune (I’m still debating to hold out, nearer £1.84 should do it) we can now afford to keep the new addition to our household.  No Lee isn’t pregnant, we subscribed to Sky a long time ago, Yes, we finally have a dog.  Apparently, I said Yes to him but that implies I had some sort of choice.  Unless of course Lee mentioned it whilst I was using my noise cancelling headphones.  Talking of which I can highly recommend a pair when you’ve got a wife and kids.

So, since getting here I have had nothing but issues with paperwork.  It seems even the gym has issues with me.  I tried to join 4 or 5 weeks ago, more questions, interrogations and evidence providing.  My colleagues have no such issue.  Joined within 10 minutes.  Finally, I get the membership expecting some beautifully crafted limited-edition gym card, but all I get is an A4 sized crumpled bit of paper with my name spelled with an 8 in it.  My colleagues are proud to show off with their nice beautifully crafted membership card.  I’ve yet to try my crumpled piece of paper or the gym as no doubt they will put me through some sort of fitness test I will fail meaning I won’t be allowed through the door, lined up and subsequently shot.

Benji is making great progress with his windsurfing.  Me on the other hand not so good. I’m going backwards, I would say literally but any kind of movement would be a plus.  It really needs you to be at your fittest which I am truly not.  Proven by the fact that by time I manged to get into the wet-suit I was reaching for the defibrillator. On a positive note I am enjoying it and if they ever have a sport when you need to jump on, jump off, jump on then watch this space.

DAVE LARGE the JUMPY Off’r and On’r WORLD CHAMP has a certain ring to it, no?

Sick in Sicily

Would you Adam and Eve it, I’ve got a cold. Not just any cold one that leaves you with snot trails and the look of a tramp having a bad hair day. One that makes your significant other question their future.

What I don’t get though is the how or why?

I know how and why you catch them back in Blighty and all the technical “airborne virus” type reasons. Your Kids are at school, it’s expected. You work with lots of people with questionable hygiene habits. (Just so any of my precious UOR colleagues know, your hygiene was impeccable which is impressive considering ;’) ) but here in Sicily I haven’t come across the factors that would bring such illness to my nasal passages.

1) The heat, up until recently we’ve had temperatures in the mid 20s, now it’s less but still much warmer than the UK. It’s not variable either. Steady all the way. Rain is kept to during the night therefore I have not exposed myself to wet/dry conditions.

2) The Raptors haven’t made it to School yet so they are disease free

3) I have not been in contact with anyone presenting any such symptoms. Well I say anyone, Dave announces most mornings that he’s ill and has a cold however this has disappeared by about 12 noon. Therefore for the sake of this process I shall discount him.

There must be some other Evil at work?

The Sicilians and their Superstitions, are they right?

You see, despite how us Brits feel about the temperature, it’s apparently Winter. Yes people 20° is Winter. Therefore you should dress appropriately. We ventured into the local shopping mall after Windsurfing at the weekend. All dressed in our finest Summer attire. You should have seen the looks we got. Pure and utter disgust. No offence is taken, we know were flouting the rules. The other option is to dress appropriately and sweat like a Camels arse.

Maybe they’re right though? Perhaps it is too cold.

Going out of the house with wet hair is asking for trouble. A strong wind could come, give you a chill and it’s game over. Death. Let me say I am so lazy, with two children to care for, drying hair is a luxury I don’t have and we’ll letting things dry naturally has got to be much better. Turns out probably not. Death is knocking at my door for flouting the wet hair rules.

Wearing black, it should only be worn when in mourning, if you’re not then misfortunes will befall you. I live in black. When your arse is trailing 6ft behind you, you need to try everything possible to disguise it. Could this cold be my misfortunes be falling?

What else is there? Oh yeah,

Don’t open Windows, ooops.

Ice cold water can damage your throat, well that explains that pain.

Always wear a coat or sweater other wise you could develop pneumonia. Well at least I have a diagnosis for my flippant behaviour.

So there we have it. As much as we flout our elders superstitions, it would appear in this instance it’s given me the plague tinged with pneumonia and a sore throat.

You can guarantee as I sit here in my strikingly hot apartment dressed all in Gray, my hair all dry and my sweater all snug and hot, I shall not be so flippant next time. It may be too late for me but I hope, dear people, you will heed such wise words from thos3 crazy people and their witchcraft.

Just incase there is a chance, I’m currently drinking Lemon Honey Tea from Mount Etna. It’s well delicious and Mother Google said Honey, Lemon and tea combined will ward off evil spirits.

In other news, Dave still hasn’t found his balance. At 44, I fear it may be lost forever but in the mean time for us that watch from the shore, we have some guaranteed quality entertainment.

The boys aren’t in School as mentioned previously. This is now thanks for the Drs surgery at home not being able to work their email system. I should have known better considering I’d been going there for 4 years and it was only in the last 6 months they figured out how to pick up a phone.

I’ve bought a lot of unnecessary furniture to make the apartment seem more homely. It’s not met with a warm reception from he indoors. At least he’s purchased some Elastic band type device to hang off the bedroom door handle in the hope that one day his 44 year old body will want to look like John Cena and stretch it. At least it will go with the 2 wetsuits he’s purchased for next year.

We’ve been invited to one of Dave’s work nights out. Let me tell you though I’m unsure whether the boys and I will go. I made the silly mistake of asking Dave if he wanted us to go. He’s 50/50 apparently. Cheers mate! I think we shall attend but mainly to spite him. Arse…. 😉

That’s about it really. I still don’t have a dog because I’m not allowed. Those poor stray puppies with no one to love. Seriously though people, all those puppy breeders back in the UK need to come here. In Sicily you don’t have the animal shelters to hide these poor animals from view. To be someone elses problem to deal with. They’re everywhere. Even laying on the side of the roads having been hit by some vehicle and left. It’s so heart breaking.

On that note I need to go and bar the door, the grim reaper is knocking to come in again.

Ciao peeps.

His Sicilian update

So, whilst in Sicily I thought it would be a good idea to try something I’ve never done before. Windsurfing and Paddle Boarding. Turns out I’m not a natural at either. Paddle Boarding looks easy, it’s just canoeing standing up. Who would have thought you need to have the core muscles of an Olympic Gymnast to do either of these sports. On the one occasion I managed to stay on the paddleboard for more than 5 seconds it seems turning the damn thing isn’t easy either. I almost ended up in Greece. Windsurfing was no better, by the end of the lesson I had mastered the art of climb on, fall off. Knackered.com

Lee has now got her car and driving round like a lunatic – My heart is no longer in its normal place. Whilst at a T junction I shouted to Lee “NO”. I wrongly thought this would stop Lee from pulling out of the junction in front of the oncoming car. But apparently NO was interpreted into “No – Go”. Silly me. Luckily the car turned left due to no cars in Sicily having an indicating facility.

We’ve taken a trip to Mount Etna – Google Maps decided to be extra helpful and take us through the smallest side streets in the world. Turns out the whole of Sicily was out for a picnic too. Eventually we make it to the Volcano. For about 5 seconds we contemplate doing a trek, but the hike to the ticket office made us realise we are not conditioned for this quite yet. The boys ask why the cable car makes strange noises on the way up. I put them at ease whilst all the while thinking we are not going to make it. We get to the top unscathed other than my hearts new found resting rate. We travel in a 4×4 mini bus to go even further up. Who would have thought being 2900 metres high that it would be so bloody cold! Luckily the boys were wrapped up warm in the force gale winds. I was almost wishing for an eruption just so I could warm up. The wind did its best to throw me off the side – but I managed to stay upright unlike the previous day’s windsurfing. To be honest I was a bit underwhelmed – cold, windy, cloudy, and all to see some smoke coming out of a chimney. I’m sure its looks fabulous when its erupting…

Whilst sitting in the park with the boys whilst Lee is in the Launderette, Living the Dream – I check out Facebook – Top of the notification list it tells me I’m near Platinum Lap Dancing Nightclub. Google states it needs help checking out this place. I obviously need to oblige. Drop boys off launderette and tell Lee I’ve got a new job with Google.

Sicily update.

I realise that I’ve not posted in a while however this was mainly due to some helpful advice I received by my harshest critic. The husband. We felt that too much and you’d all get bored.

As a result I’ve got so much useless drivel to spew now that you’ll be bored anyway. 😉

So what’s new….

Dave is still working after official officials were taken hostage by my favourite crazy Polish friend, (please note this did not happen but is given as an insight to the hilarious conversations with said crazy Polish friend) and all documentation was received well within the deadline.

He’s enjoying all the wine tasting that seems to be a compulsory part to the job.

I have still got the Raptors home. Various information is needed from the UK before I can even contemplate beginning the procedure. I’m trying my hardest you keep their brains working but fear my supply of patience is dwindling ever faster. Good thing is I’m getting the steps in as I go from child to child to give them the answers to questions on their tests.

Supermarkets are much easier and I’m even talking to people. I do think that I’m not actually understanding what they’re saying but more confident in bullshitting my way through my response. So far so good.

The Raptors e mi Marito have started having Windsurf lessons. My bladder has decided it can’t take the hilarity of watching Dave Large try his hardest to figure out why at 44 his balance has followed Elvis and left the building. We went with some of Dave’s work colleagues and even some of the youngsters waved goodbye to their dignity. One was even told by a Chinese wandering medicine man that death was nigh. We’re not sure what he actually said but we worked out, through all the unwanted prodding, that it was bad…. very bad…..

I’ve made friends with a stray dog now affectionately called Baxter. Just as I was about to move Bax indoors discreetly he found himself a floozy fertile girlfriend and some fleas. One day he will be here. One day…. We just need him to get rid of the gobby bitch that’s following him everywhere. Ok, I’ve read this back and realise this sounds harsh and that I couldn’t adopt two dogs, let me just explain that whilst Baxter is one of the friendliest Dogs I’ve ever met. She isn’t. And really does love the sound of her voice and showing off her nice teeth.

Anyway we’ve been here a month now and although it’s been hard we love the experience and are so grateful we’ve been allowed to try this out.

We’ve been up Mount Etna to 2900m and got to stand on two of her craters. She’s a beast that’s for sure.

The sea is cold. Don’t be fooled by it’s clear welcoming waving. All dangly parts will retract to a safe and warm spot.

I still don’t have a Washing machine and whine about it daily to Dave. I’ve made some wonderful new friends who have all offered me to use their machines but thankfully I’m too stubborn to accept and need Dave to understand this is desperate.

We have had Mini moo safely delivered along with her contents and she’s enjoying the endless pot holes (some of which are deep enough to see Australia) and drivers approaching her at great speeds.

I think that’s about it for now.

Love to you all.

Ciao peeps.

😍😘

Saving a Sicilian Stray.

Life continues in Sicily. The boys and I are trying to entice a lovely little cat in to the house in an effort to save a stray. If we do it bit by bit Daddy will never realise. Well that’s until the thing leaves it’s inhabitants all over the place ready to bite and leap.

I tried to carry said Cat, now name Cena, into the apartment just so she’ld get a feel of our love without us having to feel the mosquito bites. (Poor Benji is still on the menu and is now looking very attractive as he models an array of red patches in various sizes over his body.) Trouble was I must have squeezed it to hard as it had an alarm system attached and I have no idea what gas came out it’s read end but it was put back outside to allow for the fog to disperse.

Little Cena is now sleeping peacefully outside our patio doors clearly recharging it’s gas tanks.

We have taken the Toyata back with its rear bumper glued tightly in place. Unfortunately Dave thought he’d test how fast the little Hybrid would go and the bumper flapped behind in clear protest. It was the most stressful car journey ever. That’s until the way home with bumper flapping at the rear and Thumper going all Kamikaze in front of us and ending up sticking to the front bumper. Ok maybe I exaggerated that a tad. It didn’t stick…

We now have what I can only liken to a posh leather seated single storey bus. It’s normal name is Renault Megane but when I’m used to my speedy little Mini moo and have issues parking even that, parking this is going to be impossible. More steering wheel slumping ahead. Although… I’ve let Dave take it to work the last couple of days. See how helpful I am….

More supermarket trips which I now find are the only places on the Island likely to bring on much sweating for my part thanks to people feeling the need to be sociable and the Raptors feeling the need to exercise their rights to be complete little sausages at the most inappropriate times.

We tried the self service checkouts which as I posted previously were the way to go. That is until you take along your significant other who has made it his one goal in life to completely bugger them up thus drawing attention from a person with a badge and zero humility. (Yes Dave I know she was alright) that’s not the point and helps me in no way as we have red flashing lights around us to warn the entire store we are foreign and imbeciles.

No news on “the paperwork” and rather depressingly we’re resigned the fact that good ole Blighty and her processes will be dealing us a right screwover. For all the bureaucracy we Brits moan about when going abroad, I think that little old Britan and it’s politics need a complete review.

As a result of missing paperwork, I’ve gone ahead and started home schooling the boys. Let me just gice a huge shout out to any primary school teachers out there. I am having trouble running round the table to two of the blighters let alone a whole class of them.

Drama class is my favourite. They have to go away, think of what they want to do a play about, practice, set up the Stage and Props etc. By the time the play starts Mummy has had 10 minutes to grab a quick old people’s nap. Before you all get judgemental you try rearing a herd of velocirators. It’s constant. Perhaps it was the noxious cat arse gas??

My laundry has been sent away again. I am feeling somewhat guilty and as a result have chosen to wash pants by hand. I’ve lost skin on knuckles I’ll have you all know. No sympathy from Dave just merely a “Why did you do that?” I mean let’s face it I love having open blisters on my hands to clean with….

We’ve just had to shut the patio doors. The cat lays confortably in the undergrowth no closer to moving in. What has moved in is a swarm of mosquito type critters. On the plus side though the kids are now enjoying a PE lesson leaping and skipping around trying to swat the bugs away to a better place one where sucking what little of my blood is left after Dracula tried to empty it two weeks ago.

Anyway, Papa Large will be home soon and I need to assist him getting the car into the garage. I could be a while.

Ciao for now peeps.

🙂

Week 1 – Done!!

29 September 2017
16:16

So the moving to Sicily blog may have to be renamed to a 2 week working holiday in Sicily. Seems the paperwork to start my job has been sent to the Pompeii office.

Apart from the probability of returning to the UK quicker than we thought…the first week has gone pretty well.

Met some great people at work of various nationalities, I actually forget which country I’m in. I suspect by the time I move back to the UK I will be fluent in some new language made up of Polish Italian German Romanian with some cockernye rhymying thrown in.

Lee has settled in well although I think staying at home with the kids will soon enough ensure she will be finding a school for Ronnie an Reggie. They also keep grassing mummy up. Apparently she jumped over the level crossing this morning, dukes of hazard style. Kids told me they can’t cope with mummy anymore and need to move out.

I have no idea if Lee has bought some special anti persperant but I keep getting the odd whiff
from her armpits. Reminds me of my Birthday for some reason.

Fancied a glass of wine. FFS no cork screw. Put it in a shoe and banged against the wall. Tried several times. Nothing. Use the front door key. Nope. We seem to have been given about 45 keys. No idea what they are for. Decide to give up with the key method. Knife method works. the cork is disentgrated into the bottle. Spend the rest of the evening digging out bits of cork from my teeth.

Get home from work. No phone. No keys. No intercom. Decide to jump over the fence and wade through the mud bath to my house. Introduce myself to the neghbour as Dave. He’s confused as to how I know his name. I’m guessing he thinks I’m stalking him. Especially when he finds out I live in the next street over from him, back in the UK. Seems all the Dave’s from Reading have been recruited to Sicily.

Did I tell you about the wonderful Sicillian weather. To make us Brits welcome and feel at home it’s decided to piss down non stop all week. More rain this week than the previous 9 months put together. Work says if the weather doesn’t improve by the weekend all our contracts are cancelled.

I’m guessing the locals must have some incredible metabolism to burn off 9000 calories a day. Think I’ve doubled my weight this week. Went out on works dinner do. Think they tried to kill me by force feeding. Had 45 courses. Skipped desert. Drunk about 4 litres of wine. I suspect it’s watered down as I still manage to get out of the restaurant with dignity intact though I struggle to fit through the door due to my new 9 month pregnancy look.

Visited an Italian gym. I’m sure Rocky is in there some where. They could do with some of that deodorant Lee has got.

Went out for a meal Friday in Motta. Great restaurant and great people. He says Lee sounds like more of a Londoner than me. I think it’s because I’ve developed the obligatory foreign accent whilst speaking English. I wouda likea the pastaa per favore me ‘old china. Cheers mate.

Friday was great at work. Went for a tour that I wasn’t allowed on so sat in the sun for an hour. Got back to the office just in time for a special German event. Free beer and sausages 🙂 Finished at 2.30. Waiting for the wife. Eventually turns up at 4.30. I’ve melted in the sun but at least I’ve lost some weight. I don’t think Lee recognises me when she turns up.

Went to Taormina. Decided to drive past all the car parks. Have to drive for about another 3hrs before I can turn around. Lee doesn’t like the drop her side. Thinking about putting the Italian Job theme tune on but I think that will drive Lee over the edge, literally. Eventually park in the very first car park we passed. Beautiful place, went to an amphitheatre. Seems like the locals don’t like to give you change. Tickets cost 20 euros so pass over a 50. She says 20. Yes, yes I know. how about you give me 30 change? I have to get the wallet out to prove the wife has spent all the remaining cash. She was just about to give in and Lee joins in and pays with the credit card. Boys are thirsty and Lee picks the most expensive cafe in the whole of Europe. For the price of the cafe latte I would have thought I could of at least got a glass with a handle. Think they use the volcano to heat the coffee, wait another two hours before I can drink it, besides need to get my money’s worth out of this lot, I’m here for the night. Thought the Kids drinks were going to be some rare Italian recipe for the price but just turns out to be a Coke and Fanta.

Go shopping on the way home. Supermarket seems just like at home. Except just come across aisle full of tyres on the shelves. How convenient forgot I needed some 205’s for the mini. Also buy some glue for our bumper that is now flapping more than previously since I’ve pushed the Yaris to supersonic speeds of 65kph.

That’s about it for now until we have to return the car. I’ll let Lee tell you if her DIY saves us from having to take out my credit cards to pay the excess.

Ciao.

Dave

Self service checkouts rule!!

Waiting for Dave Large to have a free minute to blog is going to be like watching paint dry. After his first attempt he clearly needs to try again.

Last night he had his first night out with work which I’ll let him tell you about. Turns out though there was unlimited wine. Where was my invite I say!!!

All I will say is although he had 8 glasses of wine he believed he was as sober as a judge. I believed otherwise especially after asking him if he fancied some loving. His response…. “cloooouuulllddd du”. I translated this as could do. But what seemed to follow was him being transformed into Fuzzy bear growling profusely (snoring) followed by some other unearthly noise as he struggled to breathe through the wine mist that was encasing him. Miss Piggy here had to stamp her feet a couple of times.

Moving swiftly on…

I was a bit premature in posting last time. As you’ll remember I had to go to the store again to get some bits. Well needless to say it didn’t go too well. Or rather it didn’t go too well at the check out yet again.

You see there was an elder gentleman on the check out and it seems that they have a general aversion to us non Italian speaking persons. I’m sure this doesn’t apply to all elder Sicilian gentlemen before any one jumps on my case but it appears to be so for the ones I’ve had dealings with.

First came the chatting at speed in my direction. They clearly use this as the probing method to try and figure out what language their victim doesn’t speak. Then follows more chatter this time sped up even more. Unfortunately for him though I was able to catch a few of the words falling out his mouth and was able respond. “Actually I’m from England” you see aside from having a slight loathing for anything English speaking they seem to have a bigger dislike for Americans.

Any way we continue. He asks if I can speak a little Italian which I respond accordingly in Italian. He then proceeds to laugh. I would say that my fluster levels have clearly reached their peak as a young chap in the queue behind me seems to be coming to my defence and helps me.

Either way grumpy till man has just taken all 6 bottles of my water away from me. With the help of the young pup I have determined that they were on some sort of BOGOF offer. Instead of charging me for what I bought he just took them away. At this point I find I’ve reverted to Spanish bizarrely and am swearing profusely. This will confuse El bastardo!!!!

The Raptors do not help either. They’re to busy being cute and getting their faces pinched in every direction and revelling in further compliments on their blue eyes and blond hair.

Anyway off home we go once I’ve slumped over the steering wheel for a quick couple of minutes.

Once I’ve reversed into the garage (literally.. again) I can breathe a sigh of relief and know that my beloved will be home shortly.

And boy does he make an entrance. This is something else I will let him tell you about but for the purpose of my amusement I will detail it briefly here.

You see Dave forgot his phone. Left it in his mates car. Without said phone he has no way of letting me know when I need to open the gate at the top of the drive as our intercom is also up the spout.

As much as I try and keep an eye out, I also need to prep for dinner. Anyway 5 minutes after Dave is usually home I look out, see the gates open and hear a car out back. Usually Dave’s lift leaves him at the top of the drive so I go to our back balcony to have a nose.

Anyway what I see is a little Dave Large covered in mud up to his ankles. Turns out he had to trek through the field next to our apartment as there was no other way of getting in. Mid way down the field our English neighbour pulls into the drive. The evening ended with my man washing his shoes in the Bum sink.

As always my man made me laugh. This time at his expense and not mine.

My washing has been returned all nice and fresh so the posh pants are back on meaning all testicles will be held safely in place for the next 6 days.

At attempt to bounce my phone across the tiled floor has been made. Luckily only minimal damage has been sustained.

Now the rain has stopped we’ve discovered that Mount Etna is visible from our back Balcony. In my excitement yesterday I messaged Dave. “If she blows we’re going to get such a good view”. Needless to say Dave was home early yesterday with deck chair and beer in hand expecting some sort of free show. Imagine his disappointment when all he could see was a smoking volcano.

Our internet chap is back today. Already it’s been delayed by 3 hours. I really need to get used to this. Hopefully by the time I write again we’ll have a fully functioning internet service.

Benji is being eaten alive by a local mosquito. Bless him. He loved it last night when we killed the little pest (mosquito not Harry) and had blood splattered all up the Magnolia wall. I completely forgot about the blood squishing. Benji was happy although “look at all my Blood, what was he going to do with it all?” Was his first thought.

Anyway, Harry is begging for me to lift him up to peek out the spy hole in the door.

Benji has jobs to do to make up for trying to make my phone bounce.

It’s the weekend tomorrow and largey finishes today at 2.45. Happy days.

Ciao for now peeps.

🙂

Vengo D’Inglaterra.

I don’t know where to start. Where do you go after you find out that your eyes are really loud and shouty?

So, life continues for us home bods living it Large in Sicily. I use the term Large loosely as we’ve been generally house bound the last couple of days thanks to some proper rain.

Thankfully supermarkets are covered so we can stay dry but I’m bored of shopping. I don’t think the boys are falling for my high pitch screech exclaiming that “it’ll be exciting” anymore either. Damn.

We had a quick and interesting run to the mall earlier. I only needed an ATM but it turns out that just because there’s a bank up the road doesn’t mean there’s a way of getting cash out of it. At least there isn’t any way if you don’t want to talk to a person.

Thanks to Google Maps I found an ATM 14 minutes away. In the car….. at a mall…. The shouty levels increased with pleas to be quiet as Mummy had to concentrate.

We had to rush as a lovely lady was coming to collect my laundry at 10.30am. I should explain that as of yet I haven’t got a washing machine in my fully furnished apartment and I gave Dave the last of my cash thinking it would be ok.

Turns out that my Bluetooth connection gets all funny when I receive an incoming call. Sat nag lady got cut short in her prime and decided that she didn’t want to talk to any more. I was flying solo. As I’m writing this you’ll be pleased to note. We didn’t die.

I still need to go to the store to get dinner. Bugger!

I nearly got sold a mobile phone. Ridiculously most Italian words previously learnt left my body and all I could say, luckily in Italian, was I’m from England! It’s people like me that give English people a bad rap. Next thing you know I’ll be saying “meo no speako Italiano guvnoro”.

The laundry has gone to be taken care of by a lovely American lady. This means that in 2 days Dave can have good “posh pants” back for work and not the sort that act merely as an obstacle for free roaming testicles whose sole purpose it is to be free or get squashed between said lose pants and your though causing, so I’m told, crippling pain.

Apparently my washing is going to be returned smelling of wild Orchid. Better than the state they went in.

All this domesticity is tiring me out.

I ought to mention that the flappy bumper of the hire car Dave alluded to has been fixed. Turns out all it needed was a good push into a garage wall whilst reversing into the garage. Perfecto! No need for bluetac.

What we do need is another hire car from Sunday. Our Mini moo is still parked in good ole Blighty. At this rate we’ll be back before she leaves. I’m really glad I packed it full to the brim with useless stuff we won’t need.

Anyway, I either need a nap or to go to the store to buy dinner so best crack on as one of those most definitely has to happen before Dave gets home in two hours.

Ciao for now peeps.

L.

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